Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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