The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
