i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize