My first STD was from a foam party
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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