I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
