My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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