This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
