I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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