i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
