Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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