i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize