life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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