o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
