If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
