Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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