Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
