I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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