kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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