A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i think i have herpe
just one?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
she peed on how many people?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Randomize