Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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