My cat gives me a boner
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
