Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I am available for nakedness
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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