A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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