um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Randomize
