My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
