I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
