i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
