Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
