glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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