i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
