LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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