So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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