Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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