I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
