U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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