I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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