i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
