i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize