The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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