as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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