dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
