I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
