so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
