Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
