I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
