$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
