He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
