I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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