I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
