Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
