So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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