Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
