Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We need a shit load of segways right now
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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