i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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