His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
