he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
