i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
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