they said they heard you say put it in my butt
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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