I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
