I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
