This is not my ceiling
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Randomize
