is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
